Monday, October 24, 2011

Refraining from Self-aggression

I look in the mirror and enumerate my flaws, just the ones on my face. Puny eyelashes, so imperceptible that I squint to make sure they are still there, darkness here, there, blemishes, scars and then the thought fiercely escapes its holding cell: I hate my face.

Pema Chodron writes, “The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

I try desperately to love these parts that just no longer are the same. I fail continuously at being kind to myself. I try once more to be loving and kind. I fail. And I try this time to understand that it is with ignorance that I harm myself; it is a lack of respect that I have learned from others and taught myself, but yet my holding onto their harsh words inflicts harm on myself. My refusal to love my face is cowardly and disrespectful. In the morning, I will try again to be gentle and honest.

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