Wednesday, July 1, 2009

On the preparing for the untimeliness...

As the flight attendant placed the yellow life jacket over his head and onto his shoulder to demonstrate how to save yourself should the aircraft end up in a large body of water, I held my infant son and thought how do I get the life jacket from under the seat cushion, put it on, blow it up and keep both of our heads above water. I couldn’t believe I was really nervous, for the first time in my life, that it was possible this huge machine could literally fall from the sky and endanger our lives.

I put my hand on my child’s head and prayed that God would keep us safe and it wasn’t the stock prayer for traveling mercies or the habitual say grace before eating, it was a sincere plea.

With the several transportation fatalities that have crossed the television screens within the last few weeks, I’ve never felt more vulnerable, more fearful.
But it doesn’t stop with airplanes and trains; it extends to the loss of life on an individual level. My aunt died last week within 24 hours of Michael Jackson at that same time of month as my father four years before. As we also lost three other celebrities this past week, my family also lost a cousin and an uncle (father/son) within the last few months. The losses keep piling up and I’m becoming more frightened.

I fear the funerals that I’ll have to attend, the grief I’ll have to witness and share and the tears I’ll feel on my cheeks. It doesn’t feel like the spirit of fear we are not supposed to have because we know who holds our hand, but more like a certain je ne sais quoi... It’s not fear, but a deep sadness that is overtaking my sensibilities.

I feel like I need to make a list and send letters, apologies, thank you-s and love notes to those who’ve impacted my life. I need to write my thoughts to my children, to myself. I need to pursue my dream. I need to love a little harder and live a little more. I'm not sure what I need...

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